When Dora met her college boyfriend, the connection felt instant. She was certain they were meant to be together forever.
They talked about their future openly, and even their parents assumed they would get married.
But as graduation approached, he began to pull away. He eventually told her he needed a break—he wanted to experience life and didn’t want to “hold her back.”
His words shattered her. She had envisioned a lifetime with him, only to find herself alone and heartbroken.
Since then, Dora has been searching for that same feeling—an immediate certainty that she has found the one.
By the time I met her, she was frustrated with modern dating, especially with the men she met online.
“They don’t want to commit,” she told me. “They seem lost, unwilling to talk about the future. It’s like they’re boys trapped in grown men’s bodies.”
Where had all the commitment-minded men gone? Was wanting a serious relationship asking for too much?
Understanding Commitment
When women tell me they want a committed partner, I ask them to define what that looks like.
Dora, for example, expected a man to respond positively when she shared her desire for a serious relationship. She was upfront about her intentions and had no interest in dating anyone “wishy-washy.”
She longed for the instant certainty she once had with her college boyfriend. But I suggested that waiting for an immediate spark might be causing her to overlook great potential partners.
Commitment-oriented men don’t always declare their intentions right away. In fact, some might appear hesitant—not because they’re unreliable, but because they want to make well-informed decisions about their future.
So how do you separate the ones who will waste your time from those who are serious about building a life with someone?
Three Types of Commitment
Commitment isn’t just a feeling or a verbal promise—it’s demonstrated through actions. There are three levels of commitment:
- Feeling committed
- Thinking you’re committed
- Acting committed
Which of these is most likely to lead to a lasting relationship? Let’s break them down.
- Feeling Committed
Dora’s college boyfriend felt committed—until he didn’t.
Although he spoke about their future, he hadn’t taken any real steps toward building one. He hadn’t made an explicit promise to stay with her beyond graduation. His feelings of commitment were strong—until they faded.
This is why feelings alone aren’t enough. They can change unexpectedly.
Consider a man who says, “I can see us being together forever.” That might sound like a promise, but in reality, he’s just sharing an emotion.
Commitment based purely on feelings is the most fragile type—it can disappear when circumstances or emotions shift.
- Thinking You’re Committed
A relationship gains stability when both partners agree they’re committed.
They label the relationship: boyfriend and girlfriend. They talk about exclusivity. It feels more secure than a commitment based on feelings alone.
But what if one partner’s actions don’t align with their words?
Imagine a man who says he’s 100% committed, yet:
- He constantly prioritizes his friends over spending time with you.
- He forgets important dates like your anniversary or Valentine’s Day.
- He makes life plans—career changes, travel, big purchases—without consulting you.
He believes he’s committed. He says he’s committed. But his actions tell a different story.
- Acting Committed
True commitment is demonstrated through actions, not just words or emotions.
At this level, commitment resembles a contract—it involves planning, responsibility, and follow-through.
A commitment-minded man doesn’t just focus on how he feels about you. He focuses on whether he can make a lasting promise to you—and keep it.
For instance, the average age of marriage for American men has risen to around 30. Many men postpone proposing until they feel financially stable, secure in their careers, and ready to support a family.
These men don’t make grand promises on a first date. Instead, they take their time, getting to know a woman to determine compatibility before entering a serious relationship.
How to Spot a Commitment-Minded Man
A man who is serious about commitment won’t necessarily sweep you off your feet right away. He may take things slow—not because he’s unsure about you, but because he values building a strong foundation first.
Instead of relying on an instant spark, look for these signs:
- He Talks About the Future in Practical Terms
A commitment-minded man doesn’t just talk about wanting a wife and kids “someday.” He thinks about how he would realistically make that happen.
Does he have a plan for his career? Does he consider financial stability important? Does he think long-term?
If he’s making concrete decisions about his future, he’s likely to be serious about who he chooses to share it with.
- He Includes You in His Life
When a man is serious about you, he integrates you into his world.
- He introduces you to his friends and family.
- He considers you when making big life decisions.
- He wants to know about your life goals, too.
If he keeps his life separate from yours or avoids introducing you to his close circle, he may not be serious about a long-term relationship.
- He’s Consistent and Reliable
Does he follow through on his promises? Does he show up when he says he will?
A man who values commitment will be dependable. He won’t keep you guessing about his feelings or intentions. His words and actions will align.
- He Takes Time to Get to Know You
A man who’s in it for the long haul won’t rush things. He’ll take time to build a friendship as well as a romantic connection.
Why? Because he understands that passion fades, but friendship keeps a relationship strong through tough times.
Final Thoughts: Give Him Time to Show His Intentions
The biggest mistake many women make is expecting commitment-minded men to act like characters in a romance movie.
A man who wants a real, lasting relationship might not be flashy with his emotions. He may not sweep you off your feet on the first date.
But if he’s thoughtful, dependable, and genuinely interested in building something with you—pay attention.
Love that lasts isn’t built on instant sparks. It’s built on trust, respect, and a solid foundation of shared values and goals.
So, if you meet a man who doesn’t overwhelm you with grand gestures but treats you with kindness, respect, and consistency—don’t dismiss him.
He might just be laying the groundwork for a lifetime of love and commitment.