Carol and Greg had been through their fair share of ups and downs. Their relationship was filled with love, but it also had its challenges. Unfortunately, those challenges had begun to take center stage, pushing them to the edge of a breakup.
“It’s just the same old problems, over and over,” Carol confided in me. “I don’t know if we’re meant to be together anymore. We’ve tried so many times, but nothing ever changes.” She sighed, frustration and sadness evident in her voice. “We’re on a break right now, and I need your advice. Should we keep trying, or is it time to walk away?”
It wasn’t an easy question to answer. I knew how much Carol loved Greg. From the outside, they appeared to be a strong couple, but relationships are more than what people see on the surface. No one witnesses the private arguments, the misunderstandings, or the silent gaps that grow between two people over time.
Carol and Greg had been together for five years, a significant amount of time in any relationship. They had reached a crossroads: should they continue fighting for their love, or was it time to part ways?
The Story You Tell Shapes Your Relationship
Instead of jumping to conclusions, I decided to ask Carol a question that often reveals hidden truths.
“Tell me the story of your relationship,” I said.
Carol looked at me, puzzled. “What do you mean?”
“If both you and Greg were sitting here right now, how would you tell me the story of your relationship?”
She thought for a moment before responding. “Well, I guess it would start when we first met…” A small smile appeared on her face as she recalled the early days of their romance. As she spoke, I noticed something interesting—despite all the turmoil, she still had deep affection for Greg. Her voice softened when she described their best moments, and her eyes lit up when reminiscing about their shared experiences.
Even though they were struggling, there was still love between them. That was an important realization. If she had completely lost her feelings for Greg, the decision to walk away would have been clear. But that wasn’t the case. Instead, she felt stuck in a cycle of unresolved conflict, unsure of how to move forward.
The Power of Perspective
In every relationship, there are challenges. But what’s equally important as the problems themselves is the story you tell about them.
Carol’s current narrative was straightforward: “If we keep struggling with the same issues, maybe we’re just not meant to be.”
That perspective made her feel hopeless. She feared that no matter how much she loved Greg, their problems were a sign that they weren’t right for each other. But was that the only way to look at their situation?
The Truth About Perpetual Problems
According to research from The Gottman Institute, nearly 70% of relationship conflicts are what they call ‘perpetual problems.’ These are issues that stem from fundamental personality differences, communication styles, or values that don’t necessarily align. The key takeaway? Some problems in relationships never go away.
At first glance, that might sound discouraging. But in reality, it’s liberating.
Rather than thinking, “If we can’t fix this, we should break up,” the new perspective becomes: “We are two different people, and some struggles are part of that dynamic. Can we learn to manage them instead of letting them tear us apart?”
If Carol had believed that struggling meant failure, she might have ended things with Greg for good. But if she accepted that every couple has persistent challenges, she could shift her focus from trying to “fix” everything to learning how to navigate their differences.
Do You Need to Fix It—or Accept It?
I turned to Carol with an important question. “Can you live with the differences between you and Greg?”
“You mean if nothing ever changes?” she asked hesitantly.
I nodded.
She took a deep breath, deep in thought. “So you’re saying that maybe it’s not about us failing to fix things, but about learning to handle them better?”
“Exactly,” I said. “You always have a choice. If Greg’s behaviors or the way you two interact make you deeply unhappy, then leaving might be the best decision. But if these challenges haven’t changed how much you love him, maybe there’s another way forward.”
Carol was quiet for a moment before speaking. “I do love him,” she admitted. “I thought we had to break up if we couldn’t fix our problems. I never considered that we could learn to live with them.”
Understanding that not all problems need to be solved—but rather managed—can be a game-changer in relationships. Some challenges require compromise. Others require humor. And sometimes, simply shifting your mindset can make all the difference.
Practical Ways to Manage Relationship Differences
If you and your partner find yourselves stuck in a cycle of recurring conflicts, here are some questions to consider:
- Can I find humor in our differences instead of frustration?
- Can I shift my perspective and see this as part of who they are, rather than something that needs to change?
- Can we agree to disagree on certain things without letting it damage our connection?
- Can we create boundaries or independent activities that minimize conflict?
By exploring these options, you can develop a more sustainable approach to dealing with your challenges, rather than constantly feeling like something is “wrong” with your relationship.
The Story You Tell Shapes Your Future
Research has shown that the way couples talk about their relationship can predict whether they will stay together or break up.
If a couple tells a story filled with resentment, disappointment, and struggle, their future often mirrors that negativity. But if they focus on the love, the good times, and their ability to overcome obstacles, their outlook becomes much more hopeful.
Next time someone asks you, “How did you two meet?” or “What’s your relationship like?”—listen to your own answer.
Are you telling a story that highlights the challenges and hardships? Or are you emphasizing the beautiful journey you’ve shared, despite the difficulties?
After our conversation, Carol decided to reach out to Greg. They had an honest discussion about their differences and what they could do to navigate them better.
Their problems didn’t magically disappear overnight, but their perspective shifted. Instead of seeing their struggles as a reason to break up, they began to view them as something they could manage together.
A few months later, Carol sent me an update. She and Greg were still together—stronger than ever. They weren’t perfect, but they had found a way to write a new chapter in their story—one filled with understanding, patience, and love.