“Do Guys Just Not Ask Women Out Anymore?”
That’s the question my client Annie asked me one day. She had gotten married in her early twenties and hadn’t been in the dating scene for years. Now, post-divorce, she was dipping her toes back into the world of romance—but it felt much harder than she remembered.
She had tried everything: signing up for dating apps, attending social meetups, and even joining singles events. Yet nothing seemed to be working.
“You can be honest with me, James,” she sighed. “Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?”
Like Annie, you may be wondering if there’s something about you that’s putting men off. It’s a common concern among single women who feel invisible in today’s dating landscape.
But the truth might not be about you at all.
It Might Not Be You
If you feel like men just aren’t asking women out anymore, you’re not alone. Studies show that two out of three singles who are actively looking for love report that their dating life isn’t going well.[1] Many people find it difficult to meet someone who shares their relationship goals or who meets their expectations.
Despite the rise of dating apps, nearly half of singles believe dating has become significantly harder over the past decade. There are many factors at play, including cultural shifts, changing gender roles, and even economic pressures that affect dating dynamics.
So if you’re not getting approached, it may have less to do with you and more to do with how modern dating has evolved.
Let’s explore ten reasons why men aren’t asking women out—and, more importantly, what you can do to navigate these changes.
- He’s Not Sure You’ll Be Receptive
Many men fear rejection. They don’t know if a woman will welcome their advances or find them intrusive.
Social norms have shifted, and some men worry that approaching a woman in public could be perceived as inappropriate or even harassment. As a result, they stick to dating apps, where they know flirting is expected and welcome.
What You Can Do: If you’re interested in someone, take the lead. Make eye contact, smile, or initiate small talk. Flirting first can signal to him that his interest would be welcome.
- He Lacks Confidence
Many men believe they must be tall, rich, or incredibly attractive to stand a chance. If they don’t fit that mold, they assume women won’t be interested and decide not to put themselves out there.
What You Can Do: If you like him, give him a sincere compliment. Let him know you find him attractive in a way that boosts his confidence.
- He’s Tired of Rejection
For years, men have been expected to make the first move. But constant rejection can take a toll, making them reluctant to try anymore. Some men feel that women today have higher standards and that it’s nearly impossible to meet their expectations.
What You Can Do: Be proactive. If you enjoy spending time with him, casually suggest getting together. Even a simple, “Want to grab a coffee?” can open the door for him to reciprocate.
- He Thinks He Can’t Meet Your Expectations
With today’s emphasis on finding a “perfect match” or “soulmate,” many men feel inadequate. They worry that if they aren’t charming, wealthy, and emotionally perfect, they don’t stand a chance.
What You Can Do: Let him know you’re looking for a real connection, not a fairy-tale romance. Expressing that you value authenticity over perfection can ease his concerns.
- He Has No Game
Some guys just aren’t naturally flirtatious. They struggle to pick up on subtle cues and don’t want to risk coming across as creepy or pushy.
What You Can Do: Be direct. If he’s not picking up on subtle hints, try a more obvious approach. Compliment him, ask him questions, or suggest hanging out in a low-pressure setting.
- He Gets Social Anxiety
Not everyone is comfortable initiating conversations, especially in romantic settings. Even if a man is interested, nerves might stop him from making a move.
What You Can Do: Help him feel at ease. Engage in casual, friendly conversations that make him feel comfortable around you before adding any romantic pressure.
- He Has Unrealistic Expectations
Just as some women hold out for their “dream guy,” some men wait for their idea of “perfection.” If he has an unrealistic checklist, he might pass up great potential partners.
What You Can Do: Don’t waste time on someone who’s fixated on an unattainable ideal. Instead, focus on men who are open to real, meaningful connections.
- He Prefers Casual Hangouts Over Dating
Traditional dating can feel like too much pressure for some men. Instead, they prefer to “hang out” and let things develop organically.
What You Can Do: Don’t immediately dismiss him as disinterested if he suggests a casual meet-up. Spending relaxed time together can build a natural foundation for something more.
- He’s Been Hurt Before
Past heartbreaks can make a man hesitant to jump back into the dating pool. If he’s been through a tough breakup or divorce, he may fear getting hurt again.
What You Can Do: If you sense he’s guarded, show patience and empathy. Let him set the pace while reassuring him that you’re open to getting to know him.
- He’s Content Being Single
Some men have adjusted to being alone and don’t actively seek a relationship. It doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be open to love—it just means they’re not pursuing it with urgency.
What You Can Do: Develop a friendship first. If there’s chemistry, he may naturally become more open to something romantic over time.
Final Thoughts
It’s tempting to look back at past dating eras and wish things were simpler. But dating has always evolved. What worked decades ago may not work today.
Rather than waiting for a man to take the lead, be proactive. Engage, initiate, and create opportunities for connection. The more you embrace today’s dating realities, the more successful—and fulfilling—your love life can become.